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| im sooooo stressed out by everything right now. First, work. Everything about it stresses me out. I get payed minimum almost, and most of the time, i have to pick up everyones slack. There are a few people that work with me that make it worthwhile i guess. It just seems like the negatives far outweigh the positives. Ive been looking for a new job for a good part of this year, and there is absolutely nothing around here that would pay me for genuine work. I have been working overtime alot, and even then, i dont make enough to pay my bills, let alone try to find a place of my own. Living at home is a huge stress. Bills are a huge stress. Fathers day has been a huge stress. My real dad wont answer when i call, and the guy that actually raised me is resting in peace. School is a huge stress. I have thousands of dollars of debt that im gonna have to pay off as soon as i graduate. Its gonna be super hard to find work around here with my kind of degree, which means that it would be a good idea to move, which stresses me out. To make things worse, i cant even play guitar, because when im stressed i play alot, and since ive played a ton in the past couple days, ive worn right through the skin on my fingers, making it painful and stressful, in turn. Its funny because alot of times i fool myself into thinking that im impervious to stresses and downers. Then, outta nowhere, 10 different situations collide and im stuck rubbing my head. time to work my way back.
Cory
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| i was going through my old posts today, and realized one thing. i used to be a douchebag. ive grown so much since then. Im glad that im not complaining every time i begin to type about women/money/general stupid-ness.
thats all.
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| i love how xanga is becoming more like an actual journal. There are only a couple people left to look at whatever im writing.
i went to a billy talent show yesterday. to my suprise, it was a good show. i went with kali, josh and steph. the ride there was nuts, there was mooning and screaming and hilarity. then we got there and the tension turned up between josh/kali and me/steph. i thought punches were gonna be thrown. All ended up fine though, i met stephs "airplane buddy" simon. he seemed like an alright kid. got sorta jealous because she lit up every time he was around, and i cant do that to her. but anyway. we were all pretty tired by the time the show ended. me and steph slept on the way home. when i got home i thought i was just gonna come home and pass out but no, my dumbass decides that there is no more sleep to be had. i basically get about a half hour more sleep, and go downstairs and watch tv all night. then i had to work at noon. today started off alright because i didnt have to wake up super early, plus it was really warm outside. i love when i can drive around town with the windows down. it makes me think of summer, and summer is when im the happiest.
all in all, things have been going pretty well. im getting my debt paid off, im working out / playing b-ball on a regular basis, im working enough to support myself and im doing well in school. it seems what im really lacking is that someone to pick me up when im down, but until i get down, ill put that on the back burner.
Cory
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| ah, and the weight has been lifted, i finally got it in me to tell people how i feel about them. the responses *or lack of* has made recent decisions much much easier.
"please take me out of my body, and through the palm trees, to smell california in sweet hypocrisy, float in my senses, surround my body, i wake my nose to smell that ocean burn"
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| xanga, xanga, xanga, its been a long time.
Today was a major reflection day.
Things nowadays really havent changed. Im still in school. Im still in relationship limbo. Im still in debt.
School - Terra has treated me well. Ive made some new friends. Ive learned a lot surprisingly. Toledo was a bad school. Everything just seemed to be in disarray up there. I felt like a number. Didnt have many friends. I was also doing something i didnt want to. At terra, im majoring in Music Technology with an emphasis on business. It has been going well, there is one class that could hold me up longer than i want, but i wouldnt mind being around friends for that much longer. Im also getting chances to work in the Terra music studio, which helps me with what i eventually want to do.
Relationships - i feel like ive done so many right things, but i also feel that they have gone unnoticed. Prior love casts a huge shadow. im trying hard to not give anything away. When there is something you want, you have to go after it, give all you have to give and hope it turns out for the best. it sucks when the person you want to be with has someone more significant than you can ever hope to be. Ive told myself over and over to let go of her, but its just not happening. Ive told myself over and over that nothing will ever happen between me and said woman. just be friends, cope with it, move on. Then, there will be a period of time where hope kicks in again, and the whole process will repeat itself. I just care for someone too much to let them slip away. I will do anything in my power. Hopefully, she just sees that i can be the light at the end of the tunnel.
If that cant happen, i will try my best to be a good friend and never step over the line.
Money - Still in college, still in debt. Still working at kroger. Things nowadays, monetarily anyways, seem to be pretty grim. i just paid off a good portion of non-school related debt. i have a couple more things to pay off and ill be home free. The car seems like its gonna call it quits soon, which doesnt bode well for the near future.
these three categories bring me to the climax of this post.
Living Situation - I cant take living at home much longer. im so discontent with living here. Ive also made a pretty big decision. If i dont have a good enough job to support living on my own by the time this year is over, im going to start looking for a job out west. i dont want to have to do that, there are too many people i care for here (family/friends/woman). Except this time, im not gonna end it with "we'll see what happens". That is my decision. i cant take being so discontent.
There are so many things here that i have no desire to leave behind.
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